The truth be told... I am scared to be alone for too long of a period of time. I like to be around people. I like talking with people, communicating, exchanging ideas. dancing with each others minds... and hearts. When I am alone…. And it starts to get to much, I turn on music, or movies, or talk on the phone. Anything to distract myself from getting caught up in a web of disorganized-harmful-critical thought.
I get scared with too long of silences within myself. the schizophrenia wants to seep through the cracks of reality... my mind floods with foreign words and images. I start to feel the paranoia swirl, expanding and contracting within the unspoken lines that go on through the shifty eyed brain contorting mind that is my own.
I don't like feeling crazy. Crazy meaning.... not in control of my feelings. Like the monsters that hide in the dark.... the dark colored clouds that will suck me up into nothing, the demons living in the shadows, that want so badly to take me to their world, to be enslaved. The harsh critical imprisonment of my own words…
The twisting of thoughts that race on a loop until I scream and pound with a fist full of hair and I’m on my knees. I listen… I can’t crawl out of my own self…. I counteract it with a lightning bolt of love, but it swooshes past and melts.
It always passes, but I fear that it might not one of these times, and it will stick like shoe goo, dripping down of what’s left of me.
So what…. Really… all I have to ask myself is what is the worst that can happen. If I fear nothing then why do I dislike being alone so much? In its uncomfortable mangled mess.
How long can I go just being still? With no stimuli? Just my breath, and the organic wholeness that is me. In the raw…the feeling of awareness that I exist and that’s all.
A trick… just give in to the uncontrollable urge….just surrender….. Dissolve…. Until it is just…
In the accident I felt the peace… the stillness that I finally wanted to achieve. I just knew that It didn’t matter to think or even give into the what ifs. I just went with the flow of gravity with the car. Let go of the steering wheel. And let fate happen. SO BE IT. I was calm…tranquil. Finally.
Stop the complexities…
It is simple….
I know the feeling now. It is inside me. So just be it.
