a moment

wandering feelings
branching out
like a fratctal
stemming from a singularity
creating moments
painting with mental images
resting at the tongue
no need for words
though tempting to shout out
to be heard
to be loved
to be touched without desire
to really be looked at
examined
exposed
will anyone dare.......?

The truth be told... I am scared to be alone for too long of a period of time. I like to be around people. I like talking with people, communicating, exchanging ideas. dancing with each others minds... and hearts. When I am alone…. And it starts to get to much, I turn on music, or movies, or talk on the phone. Anything to distract myself from getting caught up in a web of disorganized-harmful-critical thought.
I get scared with too long of silences within myself. the schizophrenia wants to seep through the cracks of reality... my mind floods with foreign words and images. I start to feel the paranoia swirl, expanding and contracting within the unspoken lines that go on through the shifty eyed brain contorting mind that is my own.
I don't like feeling crazy. Crazy meaning.... not in control of my feelings. Like the monsters that hide in the dark.... the dark colored clouds that will suck me up into nothing, the demons living in the shadows, that want so badly to take me to their world, to be enslaved. The harsh critical imprisonment of my own words…
The twisting of thoughts that race on a loop until I scream and pound with a fist full of hair and I’m on my knees. I listen… I can’t crawl out of my own self…. I counteract it with a lightning bolt of love, but it swooshes past and melts.
It always passes, but I fear that it might not one of these times, and it will stick like shoe goo, dripping down of what’s left of me.
So what…. Really… all I have to ask myself is what is the worst that can happen. If I fear nothing then why do I dislike being alone so much? In its uncomfortable mangled mess.
How long can I go just being still? With no stimuli? Just my breath, and the organic wholeness that is me. In the raw…the feeling of awareness that I exist and that’s all.
A trick… just give in to the uncontrollable urge….just surrender….. Dissolve…. Until it is just…

In the accident I felt the peace… the stillness that I finally wanted to achieve. I just knew that It didn’t matter to think or even give into the what ifs. I just went with the flow of gravity with the car. Let go of the steering wheel. And let fate happen. SO BE IT. I was calm…tranquil. Finally.
Stop the complexities…
It is simple….
I know the feeling now. It is inside me. So just be it.

The opinion of diverse heavens hath then been caused by diverse motion of the stars and by the appearance of a sky filled with stars revolving around the earth; nor can these luminaries by any means be seen to recede one from another; but, maintaining always the same distance and relation one to another, and a certain course they appear to revolve round the earth, even as a wheel on which are nailed innumerable mirrors revolveth around his own axis. Thus it is considered obvious from evidence of our eyes that theses luminaries have no motion of their own; nor can they wander as birds through air; but they move only by the revolution of the orbs to which they are fixed, whose motion is affected by the divine pulse of some supreme intelligence.
Such is the common opinion. But once the motion is understood of our own mundane star which is fixed to no orb, but impelled by her own intrinsic principle, soul and nature, taketh her course around the sun through the vastness of universal space, and spinneth around her own centre, then this opinion will be dispelled. Then will be opened the gate of understanding of the true principles of nature, and we shall be enabled to advance with great strides along the path of truth which hath been hidden by the veil of sordid and bestial illusions and hath remained secret until to-day, through the injury of time and the vicissitudes of things, ever since they succeed to the daylight of the ancient sages the murky night of the foolhardy sophists.
*Naught standeth still, but all things swirl and whirl
As far is in heaven and beneath is seen.
All things move, now up, now down,
Whether on a long or short course,
Whether heavy or light;
Perchance thou too goest the same path
And to like a goal.
For all things move till overtaken,
As the wave swirled through the water,
So that the same part
Moveth now from above downward
And now from below upward,
And the same hurly-burly
Imparteth to all the same successive fate.*
~Giordano Bruno On the Infinite Universe and Worlds

I have been doing things differently and maybe that's why I get overwhelmed at times.I want to get good at being gracefull as well, and it is happening... planxty... right? It doesn't just come over night, but it is here and still evolving into a simple form of being. paitentience is a good thing to achieve, it brings peace and understanding as well as empathy and compassion. The ideas are not that important to me. but expanding my mind and keeping my heart open to everything is. You mean a great deal to me so... let's do this together.maybe we can tap into the genome and then some.... perhaps time travel and rocket science.... and of course.... there is till the moon!!!

I can't stand being at school anymore. It makes me sad, but i do what I got to do, so I play with it. It being the energy that surrounds me. I talk with my clients about the things I'm not supposed to. Religon, pollitics, recently aliens. Some play back, some debate or preach. This doesn't bother me. It's the people who sit there and stare at themselves and chew their gum and talk on their cell phones about stuff. just stuff. I chew gum (now aspertame free) and talk on my cell phone, but I like to engage people. Mostly anyway. I tried that last night, but fouind I was too sleepy from Nathans Tong Ren techniques for my foot, which still hurts but not as bad. Tonight I will give my foot the attention it needs after Phoenix falls asleep.
But I seem to find myself outside when I don't have clients. The overhead lights inside and the lacking ability or unwillingness of people to open their minds is a little too much or too little depending on how I look at it sometimes. But hey.... it's a great oppertunity to experiment with "opening" my frontal lobes and engaging the people around me as well as my fellow students who I feel like need to be engaged the most.

I dreamt of many different faces of myself. An antique statue of 6 different heads that a had a singular body(One that smiles with clear eyes, one of a mischievous demeanour, one of adoration and longing,one of curiosity, one of magic, one of simplicity and one of enlightened expression which was the most peaceful and non attached of them all) revolving around in an ancient temple.Similar to Lara Croft in Tomb Raider, but different regarding a more mystic environment, with multi colored mist and green vines and an early morning woodsy smell. I like the one of magic most.

I went to bed with many questions. There is one I am still working out in my thoughts and I am am really taking my time with this one.

When I awoke this morning and walked outside my door.... I felt the wind on my face. The air was full of electricity. I started swaying with the direction of the wind, smiling and just being. All was simple... deconstructed, I just felt good. This is my favorite time of year. I am in my element. I took deep breaths and realized that I don't have time, nor do I want anymore pain. So this is it..... I have realized that everything is all a state of mind. When I feel something that doesn't feel good I can choose to feel differently.

6:06 pm
While i sit in front of this computer typing my thoughts out with the physical action of my hands, I feel....free. How do I stay in this mind frame when I'm not writing. my thoughts race back and forth from present to future to past.
When I was 6 I was mad at my mom for leaving me alone with a nanny while she went and did her motivational seminars. When she got back I tried to get her attention by placing a butcher knife between my arm and my breast, and covered myself in ketchup. giving the illusion that I had been stabbed. She walked right over me. I ran away to the woods for a few hours.


7:26pm
It costs me too much to worry about if I'm doing the right thing. I judge my own thoughts sometimes rather than just letting them come and reside in my mind and run their course.